How Spirituality saved me from Domestic Abuse PTSD

Feb 02, 2022

Did you know nine in ten female domestic abuse victims go through some type of emotional distress? And, not surprisingly, more than 47% of them deal with PTSD, 20% experience depression, and over 14% live with anxiety (Source: ScienceDirect)

Living with your abuser can feel like the most suffocating form of torture on the planet.  Being pulled into a toxic cycle of love and hate triggers all of your primal survival feelings, severely hurting your health by living in a state of constant fight, flight, or freeze. 

The abuse I experienced in my 20’s was horrific and it used to keep me up at night with PTSD, for many years afterwards.  I would relive the moments of fear I experienced while hiding in closets, waiting for him to knock the door down.  I would feel him pulling me by the hair up the stairs, only to be hurt even more with choking, hitting, and constant verbal attacks.  I could distinctly recall the smell of Lysol on the floor that the maids had used while he shoved my face into it.  I will never forget the pain all of this created, but I figured out a way to heal myself from the PTSD and that’s why I’m sharing my story. 

My abuser (let’s call him Jude) didn’t start off this way.  In fact, most abusers appear to be Prince Charming until they’ve reeled you in.  Jude was very attractive, funny, and affectionate.  I felt like he was the man of my dreams, to be honest.  He would surprise me with sweet gifts, sing to me with his guitar, and made me feel like I had won the romantic lottery.  Looking back, though, the red flags were definitely there as the months went on: jealousy, control, alienation from friends and family, and the constant pressure to drink and use drugs.  But then he’d show up with a Tiffany’s necklace after a fight, begging me to take him back with tears in his eyes.  This went on for a while before the actual physical abuse started. 

Once I moved in with Jude, the true devil came out.  I (stupidly) had quit my job as he had promised to “take care of everything financially” while I was in college.  Quickly that became a way to control me and I would have to beg for money to buy groceries or eat.  My family noticed that I became even thinner than normal, but I told them I was on a health kick. 

Soon enough, my closest friends and family started to see through this Prince Charming act and tried to get me to leave him.  When he found out, however, he demanded I never see them again.  He bribed me and threatened to tell them about our partying (that he had been forcing me to do).  I was extremely scared, so I stayed. 

Jude surprised me one day with a puppy and I was beyond ecstatic! I treated that dog like she was my baby, even buying her a car seat and a stroller.  Jude saw this as another way to control and manipulate me, though.  If I wasn’t behaving as he wished or if he felt like I was going to leave him, he’d threaten to kill her or let her out on the street.  

I remember one night vividly: I was hiding in a downstairs closet, trembling and clutching on to my puppy, praying she didn’t make a noise. I had barricaded myself in an empty bedroom and closet.  Jude started banging on the door, punching it with his fist and I knew it was only a matter of time before he got in. 

I looked across the room at the sliding glass door and, for a moment, contemplated running.  I thought to myself: “Just run!” But I froze.  I was screaming internally: “Move your legs! Get out of here!” But I couldn’t move.  I had my puppy in my hands, no shoes on and no cell phone, but I could’ve ran until I made it to a neighbor's house.  I couldn’t move.  The moment passed and it was too late…he had made it into the room.  Getting through the closet door took very little effort for him as he was pure muscle and he grabbed me by the hair, pulling me through the house and up the stairs.  Up, up, up…I prayed the stairs would go on forever to avoid what would happen next. 

These are the terrifying moments that were etched in my brain, creating constant anxiety and stress even a decade later.  It was even worse when I had to see him out on the street or at the store (as we lived in neighboring cities).  I would start sweating and feeling dizzy, quickly turning to alcohol to numb it out, trying to forget the very vivid nightmares.  Even though he’d be perfectly nice and say: “Hey Angela! Looking good!” or something along those lines…things Prince Douchebags say, just hearing his voice made me tremble.

I realized one day I couldn’t live like that any more.  He had moved on with his life, I needed to, as well.  It wasn’t until I began my spiritual development studies in 2015 that I had an epiphany and developed a way to heal myself.  Now, I’m ready to share it with you. Warning: this takes an open mind and dedication, as well as facing the memories. Therefore, if this will create severe distress for you, definitely consult your doctor or therapist. I developed this after over a decade of seeing a therapist and not seeing much of a difference.  I understood it needed to be healed in a different way and, honestly, I didn’t really know what I was doing at the moment, but afterwards I saw the clear steps. 

How I overcame PTSD from years of abuse: 

 

  • Sweating out the Memories
  • Astral Travel
  • Re-Imagining the Story 
  • Forgiveness
  • Release

 

When I realized I was ready to heal from PTSD, I was also healing from mold toxicity, which required daily use of an infrared sauna (or at least every other day).  I didn’t have one at home at the time, so I went to a nearby spa and used theirs.  I realized afterwards how crucial this was to the cure, therefore, you’ll need to find one nearby (or you can purchase one for less than $200).  

I needed to spend 30 to 45 minutes in the infrared sauna, therefore, I decided to utilize my spiritual tools while in there to pass the time.  That’s how it started.  I’ll walk you through my steps, but I do want to note: astral travel is something you should learn from a spiritual guide.  I wouldn’t attempt that piece on your own in terms of using it as a healing tool, so let me know if you’re interested in learning more and I’ll introduce you to my mentor who taught me. 

Step 1: Relax 

The spa I went to had the option to listen to classical music while in the infrared sauna and I highly recommend this as it enhances the experience, while drowning out any outside noise (when astral traveling.  For the first 5 minutes I sat up straight, rolled my shoulders back and utilized my breath to get into a relaxed state (click here for my favorite breath-work worksheet). 

Step 2: Protection, Grounding, and Prayer

Before I would begin any type of spiritual or healing process, I would ground the space by imagining a hole in the floor of the sauna with a cord going down into the center of the Earth.  Then I would imagine being in a golden bubble of protection, with my personal symbol of protection in the space (a cross).  I would then say something along the lines of: “Angels, guides, entities of the highest truth, compassion, and light: please be here with me now as I heal.  Please help me release the pain of the past, forgive, and transform the memories within me.” 

Step 3: Astral Travel

I learned astral travel from a spiritual mentor of mine from The Modern Mystery School.  I took her class in San Francisco back in 2018 and still use the steps to this day.  However, for my forgiveness technique, I altered it slightly, so my version here is something I developed on my own.  To safely and correctly astral travel, there are rules, such as: choose your destination before you begin and only go to either the “meeting hall” where the Akashic records are held or out into the known Universe.  The MMS steps are more specific than mine, but I’m not recommending trying mine without assistance and full knowledge.  If you’d like to be put on a waitlist to learn how to astral travel, please sign-up here

After feeling relaxed, protected, and grounded I would imagine myself staring at a wall.  The wall was white with a small black hole on it.  I would stare at the hole until it grew bigger and became a tunnel.  I would walk through the tunnel and at the end would be a sky full of stars.  I would wait until I felt ready and then would leap into the stars, floating around and studying the beautiful constellations. I then used a series of sacred geometric shapes to catapult me to the destination.

Step 4: Re-Imagining

I’ve used astral travel for many things, but for my PTSD issue I would always go to the meeting hall that held my akashic records and “pull” the file of whatever moment I was trying to fix.  As soon as I pulled it, I would be transported there immediately.  Let’s take the moment in the closet, for example.  I would go there and see my old self, trembling in the closet, frozen in place.  I would convince her to run, just as I wanted to.  I would help her run and get to safety, holding her hand.  We’d even watch from across the street, hidden in the bushes, as Jude came outside looking for us and yelling my name.  I did this as many times as I needed until it felt real and “changed.” I re-imagined the story the way I wanted it to turn out. 

Step 5: Forgiveness & Release

The reason I did this in the sauna is: as I re-imagined the way I wanted the event to turn-out, I would “sweat” out the old memories.  It was cleansing and symbolically what I needed to do to heal myself. I would often cry at the same time, which provided even more cleansing. 

After I re-imagined the story above many times, I would be ready to forgive.  I would begin with relaxing, grounding, and protecting.  Then I would envision myself in a safe place and I would invite Jude in with me (or whoever it was I needed to forgive).  I imagined him crying and apologizing to me, reaching his hands out for a hug.  In return, I accepted his apology and even hugged him.  I would tell him: “I’m so sorry you were hurt as a child.  I know you are wounded and in pain, that’s why you inflict it on others.”  I would then say aloud and repeat: “I forgive you and I release the pain” until I actually did.  This part of it took some time, but eventually it worked. I was no longer a prisoner of the horrific abusive memories.  

Forgiving is crucial as it's for you, not for them. They never have to know you forgive them and you definitely should not approach anyone who has hurt you in the past.  He never knew I did this, but it helped me move on with my life by patching up the dark piercing in my aura from the terror and pain.

Conclusion

The true test came when I had to see him out and about.  I was blown away when I saw him the next time: I had no trembling, no sweating, no stomach pain.  I was okay.  I felt completely normal.  He even looked at me differently and didn’t approach me.  I knew I had changed things at a Universal and cellular level; I used this method to heal myself from many other horrific memories, as well.

Even now, when I recall what happened to me, I don’t feel as if I’m “stuck” in the memory.  It’s a memory just like any other one that’s not super pleasant, but doesn’t create physical sensations as if I'm still living it. 

Dealing with PTSD is a serious task, therefore, I would not try this lightly if you feel it would be harmful to relive the memories.  I was ready to heal and move forward as I knew this was holding me back.  Doing these PTSD sauna healing sessions completely changed my life.  I took every memory in my life that hurt me and lingered and changed it.  After I did this, I was able to stop drinking alcohol completely, I didn’t need to take Xanax any more, etc.  I felt like a completely different person. 

We don’t need to be these statistics, ladies.  If you’re dating someone who is giving you bad vibes or red flags, leave the relationship.  Call a friend or family member and confide in them!  After I felt healed from these memories, I didn’t attract the same type of men any more.  The vibration you’re putting out in the world is matched when you meet people, so if you have a lot of pain you’re carrying around, you’ll most likely meet someone similar or someone who will take advantage of you.  

I wanted to share my story with the hopes of helping others who are still living in the terror.  You can heal it and move forward, just as I did.  When you’re ready to do it, you’ll know.  And when you heal yourself, you heal the world.   

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